Near Death, Life Changing Experience

On the first week of my hospitalization I suffered two internal bleedings. Though the doctors never discussed it with me, I know that the problem were my lungs. The nurses gave me two injections to stop the bleeding and I was also given a CT Chest. It never recurred but I was forbidden from sleeping sideways.

The first thing that came to my mind when I was bleeding was that day’s going to be my last. I didn’t take my internal bleeding lightly because it is very harmful to internal organs. At first I was hesitant to let my family know about my situation but that bleeding changed everything. Thinking that was dying, I right away called them to let them know the situation that I was in. I skipped out some of the details of my illness just to protect them. You don’t have to tell them everything you know.

I don’t want to sensationalize my illness. Sensitive as it is it may be misunderstood by many. I prefer to keep my mouth shut rather than being misunderstood. People could be mean and others have been mean already so there’s really no point in discussing it. The most important thing is that I’m being treated and in time, I’ll be discharged.

I’ve been through hell literally and I’ve been through near death experience. Of course, it could only be in my mind but I really thought at that time that I was going to die. The first thing that comes into my mind was that I don’t want to die here and I want to be with my family. My mind became empty and I was unable to think of anything, not even my most priced earthly positions. I didn’t even think of my job and my company. When you’re in the brink of death, you’ll only think of the most important things in life and for me, they’re my family, friends and hope.

I can still remember what Nurse Sushil told me. She said that all of us are going to die. My illness takes a lot of time to be cured but it’s curable. She told me to think of Kuya at the ICU who was burned because the gas tank leaked. He wasn’t given an opportunity to bid farewell to his family. Think of the victims of hit and run and accidents. I shouldn’t lose faith and I should pray and reconcile with my creator. Nurse Sushil made a big difference in my stay at the As Salama Hospital. I used to be biased towards our kabayans when it comes to nurses’ qualification and training but Nurse Sushil made an impact. I’ll forever be grateful to her because if it weren’t for her, I would have given in to self pity.

My illness made me think through a lot of things. I’ve thought of the things that I’ve done in the past and my plans for the future. I’ve also decided to make peace with myself and with my God. One of the things that I’ve realized is that I’m just human. And human beings are created to take ownership and spread power of hope.

Friends in Need, Friends indeed!

I don’t want to be melodramatic but in the past week, I guess I’ve had too much of the Teleseryes that I also thought that it’s alright for everyone to cry as long as the scene calls for it. Actually, I’m just making excuses for my weakness. I’ve experienced an emotional roller coaster in the past weeks that I’ve been confined. This isn’t me and even I can’t recognize myself. I considered myself as strong and crying is a weakness.

I think the best thing that ever happened to me while I’m in this situation is that I was able to identify who my true friends are. It’s a blessing in disguise in a way. It’s true what they say that you’ll only know who your true friends in life and death situation. What I’m been going through is not a life and death situation yet I’ve identified few people who truly care. I’m no celebrity but with so many Filipino in our workforce, my illness has brought so much speculation. The sad thing is, they don’t even know what I’ve been going through and not one of them have spoken to my doctor. I’m no stranger to intrigues since its part and parcel of working in the Human Resources Department but what I can’t accept are the things that people whom you think are your friends say about you. I know that people could be mean sometimes. I’ve been mean myself and maybe its God’s way of telling me that ‘You did that to other people before’.

If you ask me if I was hurt, of course but I won’t dignify those speculations. I won’t give away press statement (LOL feeling celebrity) just so I could clear the intrigues. They’re better left unanswered since your true friends don’t need explanations and your enemies won’t hear it anyway. There’s no point in explaining yourself, really.

I think the best thing that I should do is to get better and convince the doctor that I’m ready for discharge. People will just stop talking when they see you healthy and report back to work. I am looking forward to be discharged and probably celebrate a very low key but meaningful Christmas with my close friends.

The Enemy Within

Today is the 23rd day of my isolation, Saudi Arabian style. I felt that I’ve already recovered. My full recovery however will be determined by the doctors and laboratory tests results. I was very thankful that my company decided to move me to Chest Hospital after spending 16 grueling and agonizing days in solitary confinement at the As Salama Hospital. The situation at the Chest Hospital is way better than in the Isolation Room in As Salama. They euphemistically called the Isolation Room as Negative Pressure Room but it’s just actually a room with an AC outlet and an exhaust fan. There’s really nothing special about it.

Being in an isolation chamber makes you think a lot about the things in your life that you’ve taken for granted. In my case, it’s my health and my relationship with God. When I look back, I tried to exercise by jogging everyday but it doesn’t count since I don’t eat healthy. My immune system wouldn’t have suffered if I chose a healthier diet. But there’s no crying over spilled milk so I’ve promised myself to eat healthy when I’m discharge.

There was a point in my life that I’ve been pious but that was before I decided to work abroad. I’m not embarrassed to admit that I’ve forgot to call Him. Though, being human would always be our excuse when we commit mistakes, I’d still invoke the same excuse. It’s because I can’t think of anything else. Being in isolation gives me ample of time to think things through though. I’ve think things through and now my mind is clearer. The forgiveness of our sins is through the mercy and compassion of God. I think that as long as you’ve asked for forgiveness and promised to change your life completely, he’ll welcome you back in his fold.

However, despite my being a level headed person, from time to time, I still encounter ‘The enemy within’ or what we simply called ‘Self Pity’. I know, I’ve heard enough from my friends that it’s counterproductive but there are times that I just can’t completely brush it off. There are moments that I would shed a tear or two when I think of my situation. This week, I’ve had two negatives and I was very hopeful that the last test would be negative as well. I was very disappointed when the result came out and it was positive. I cried like a baby but only for a moment. I regained my composure right away. I’m only here for three weeks and I still have another series of test to look forward to next week. That thought consoled me. I’ve also accepted that it’s God’s will. I’ll be discharge in God’s time and for that I’ll wait patiently.