… at a crossroad

I’m not really into sentimental stuff. Alright, sometimes, I do a lot of soul searching but most of the time, I don’t. So I think being senti from time to time doesn’t really count. That’s why I consider myself as a sensible person, most of time. You may not be able to understand what I’m mumbling. Even I don’t seem to understand myself lately. I’ll turn 34 come August and I think that I’m in a crossroad.

Early this month I’ve consulted my family and asked them if it’s alright with them that I go home for good. My mother said that she doesn’t mind if I go home. She’ll be happy to embrace me back into the family. Being away for almost a decade is like being in a bubble. Your life becomes a make believe and everything doesn’t seem true. What I mean is that, I maybe earning enough money to sustain the family but I’ve lost so much in return. I’ve lost the moments where we as families should bond. Kids grew into adolescents without me even noticing it. The saddest part is Dad’s dying without me being there. There were a lot of things that I missed that money could not buy. I was so touched when my mother said that I don’t have to prove myself anymore. She also said that my father left me something to live on and that I won’t starve to death should I decide to return home for good. That was really reassuring.

I’ve been sending feelers (LOL parang celebrity ano?), that I’ll go on exit. Friends and colleagues raised eyebrows saying that it’s just a phase that I’d soon hurdle. I guess I got tired of the dog eat dog world that I’m in. At this point, I’m at a dead end of my career. My boss is retiring and has no career path plans for me. It’s either I’ll go on exit, look for another company or stay in my current company and end up a bitter and broken man. I don’t really think that my future is bright in our organization. If a new boss is appointed, I won’t be able to get a release. If I’ll decide to stay in the Kingdom, I really would have to work in another company. I may not grow there professionally but I’ll get the financial rewards. If I stay in the company, as I’ve said, my future is gloomy because I will be stuck. I may have the yearly merit increases but there’s really no prospect of career growth.

If I go home, I view things differently. I would have to learn farming and it’s going to be difficult at first. However, farming doesn’t mean that I’ll have to do the leg work. I’ll hire people and just learn the supervisory stuff from my siblings. I think it’d only take a year or two for me to establish myself as a farmer. I was not born to be a farmer but people can learn. My brother went to an Engineering School but succeeded in farming. In fact, he build a fairly descent house, owns an SUV and a truck. My sister went to a Law School, worked in Malacañang but now ended up farming and she’s good at it. So, yes, farming is my fallback. The soil will be gentle to me because I have my father’s blood in my veins.

I’ve considered a lot of things like the loss of an income. I’ve also been used to living in comfort for almost a decade and if I’m not earning, I may have to let go of a lot of things and convenience. I however felt that it’s time to let go. I kept on thinking that successful people have sacrificed and risked before they became successful. You won’t get rich in a 9-5 work. I don’t dream of being very rich though. When you’re growing old, you only wish for good health and enough money for you to get by. I don’t think I’d be happy too if I’ll be rich. My near death experience last year just triggered my resolve. I have a lot of months ahead of me to think things through. I’ll go home for my annual vacation this coming August and I think that being away from the craziness of the situation will help me decide.

Should I stay or should I go? Whatever my decision is, it’s really up to Him. He’ll know what’s best for me and I’ll just pray for his guidance.